


My Grave Mistake

by Anonymous



Category: Elder Scrolls, Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Character Death, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:40:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26756665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Sometimes your decisions have dire consequences. Consequences that will haunt you for the rest of your life. Lucien's friend knows a lot about mistakes; Lucien doesn't. Yet.
Kudos: 12
Collections: Anonymous





	My Grave Mistake

The first thing Lucien felt was pain in his arm and his head. He groaned and slowly opened his eyes. What happened? Why did his body hurt so much?

Then he realized he was lying on a cold, hard surface and he was staring at a ceiling of a Dwemer ruin. He looked around, confused. Where was he? How did he get here?

A few seconds passed. Then he sat upright in panic, ignoring the sharp pain in his head, as his memories came rushing back.

“Ronja!”

***

_The door to The Dead Man’s Drink – what an odd and morbid name for an inn – opened and Lucien looked up from his dinner. He was fairly sure that the Nord who just stepped inside wasn’t a local – he’d never seen her before, though he hasn’t really been in Falkreath all that long. The innkeeper, on the other hand, obviously knew who she was and smiled at her as she came up to the counter._

_“Good evening. What’ll it be?”_

_As the Nord ordered, Lucien quickly assessed her. She was fairly muscular, dressed in a leather armor, blonde hair cut short. An adventurer, then, or perhaps a mercenary. Something like that._

_While she was eating, he spent the time gathering courage and as she stood up, he quickly approached her._

_“Excuse me, ma’am. I don’t normally do this, but… erm… have you got a moment to talk?”_

_The Nord’s eyebrows rose. “Are you trying to flirt with me?”_

_“Flirt?” Lucien stuttered. “I… uh…” He felt himself blushing as he tried to explain himself, although he had a feeling that he was only making everything worse. Luckily, after a few more stammered sentences he was finally able to voice his request._

_He saw the Nord’s face slowly change from amusement and slight confusion to… he didn’t know what, exactly, but she suddenly looked stern and serious and at that moment Lucien knew that she was going to say no._

_A few seconds of silence passed and just as Lucien opened his mouth to apologize, she nodded. “All right. Sounds like a deal.”_

_“Oh,” Lucien replied, feeling a little baffled. “Splendid. Here’s your gold. This is going to be quite the adventure!”_

_The Nord’s expression suddenly closed off and Lucien had a feeling that he somehow said the wrong thing – but then she smiled. “I’m Ronja, by the way.”_

***

“Ronja!” Lucien shouted again, his voice echoing in the empty dungeon – no, it wasn’t empty, he reminded himself. Ronja still had to be there.

He stood up, wincing in pain – he really hit his head quite badly, he’d need to heal himself later – and walked as fast as his aching body allowed him.

***

_A few days had passed and Ronja has proved herself to be quite a capable fighter – as well as a fairly pleasant company. She seemed to be genuinely interested in Lucien’s life and every time they’ve had time to rest she made sure to ask him something about himself. After a few days and a particularly nasty skirmish with a bandit gang, Lucien asked her to help him become a better fighter and they’ve begun spending some time each day training._

_However, Lucien suddenly realized that Ronja knew so much about him and he still didn’t know anything about her apart from what he’d learned the day they’ve met – she was an adventurer and her name was Ronja. That was about it. She never offered any information about herself and Lucien couldn’t help but feel curious about her life. After all, they’d be adventuring together for a while and it’d pay to know his companion better. One day, after they’ve settled around a campfire and began roasting some meat for dinner, Lucien decided to finally ask Ronja about herself._

_She tensed for a moment, then she shrugged. “Oh, there’s not much to tell, really. I was born in Rorikstead. My parents died when I was still a girl. I left Rorikstead. There’s nothing for me there anymore.”_

_Lucien frowned. Did he imagine it or did her voice really sound tight as she said the last sentence? He cleared his throat and tried asking again. “So… why did you become an adventurer?”_

_Ronja shrugged again. “Rorikstead’s a farming town. There’s not really much to do there, if you don’t want to be a farmer or a tavern wench. And those options always seemed terribly boring to me. We – I wanted to explore Skyrim, so I left. And never came back.”_

_“We?” Lucien frowned._

_Ronja smiled, but the expression seemed a little strange and forced. “I just misspoke. Sorry. I’m tired. We should go to bed.” She turned away from Lucien and stood up abruptly. The message was clear. Don’t talk to me about it._

_So Lucien didn’t._

***

It only took him a couple steps to get to the point where the corridor widened and he stood almost in the center of the chamber. The whole place smelled awful – like burning flesh and hair…

And then he finally saw Ronja – lying on the ground on the other side of the room. Unmoving.

“Oh no, no, no,” he whispered. He crossed the distance between them as fast as he could, hoping that she’d been merely knocked unconscious, just like him.

***

_“I said no.” Ronja’s voice sounded cold and sharp, very different from the warm, friendly tone Lucien was used to._

_“I – I just don’t understand why,” Lucien stammered, confused. It was the first real argument they had, and Lucien couldn’t help but think that, considering the reason this fight started, it was blown way out of proportion. “Renting rooms in the inn will be more comfortable than camping- “_

_Ronja cut him off before he could finish his sentence. “We aren’t spending night in Rorikstead and that’s final. I’m not going to discuss it.”_

_Of course. Rorikstead. There was something Ronja wasn’t telling him about the time she spent there. Lucien didn’t want to push her, but he also wanted to understand. “Why?” he asked, trying to sound gentle. “What is it about Rorikstead that makes you avoid it?”_

_Ronja seemed to falter, all anger vanishing from her expression. “I…” she started, then closed her mouth. She shook her head, looking down._

_Lucien felt terribly awkward. He was out of his depth here, with no idea what to say or do to make the situation better. “I- if you really don’t want to talk about it, I understand. But you are my friend. If there’s anything I can do for you…” he trailed off, unsure how to continue. Ronja looked at him. Her eyes were shining._

_“That’s just the thing,” she said. Her voice sounded as if she was on verge of tears. “If I told you, we wouldn’t be friends anymore.”_

_He didn’t know what answer he was expecting, but that wasn’t it. “What-what do you mean?”_

_Ronja swallowed a few times. Lucien felt even more terrible. He’s never seen her like this before. Should he comfort her? Should he tell her to just forget it, that he wouldn’t ask again? Before he could do anything, she answered quietly: “Because you would hate me for what I did.”_

***

He dropped to his knees next to Ronja. She was still breathing, but very shallowly. She was covered in blood and burns. Her hair was almost gone, skin charred. She was bleeding from several wounds. He stared at her in horror. _Divines, please, no._

“Ronja…” he whispered, feeling a lump in his throat. This was serious, way more serious than anything they’ve been through before. She was going to die if she didn’t get any healing.

Ronja stirred at the sound of her name. Her eyes fluttered and then opened and she stared at Lucien. “You’re alive…” she actually smiled. “Thank… the Divines. I saved you… I saved you.” Her words turned into a coughing fit.

“Ronja… just… just stay awake, please,” Lucien begged. “I… I’ll get you a potion, just stay with me, okay?” He looked around frantically. Where was their backpack with supplies?

“Lucien… listen…” Ronja sounded a little dazed. “I need to tell you… I’m glad we’ve met. I’m glad we were friends.”

“No,” Lucien felt tears in his eyes. “No ‘were’. We will still be friends, because you are not going to die in here. You’ll get better.” He couldn’t see the backpack anywhere. He didn’t dare leave to look for it, because then he might return too late. Magic would have to do. He put his hands on those wounds that looked the most serious and prayed to the Divines for help.

***

_Ronja sat down and stared straight ahead. When she finally began speaking, her voice sounded dull, emotionless. But when Lucien looked at her hands, he saw that she was clenching her fists so hard her knuckles were white._

_“In Rorikstead… there was a boy. The same age as me. We were best friends. His name was Erik.” She closed her eyes, then opened them again. “We didn’t want to spend our lives as farmers, so we started planning to adventure together. His father – the innkeeper – didn’t really approve, but I’ve managed to persuade him. I even bought some armor for Erik.” She smiled, but there was no real joy in it. “We – we quite enjoyed it, actually. Adventuring, I mean. We explored a few caves, found some treasure, we had fun. But then…” she trailed off, shook her head. Lucien didn’t say anything, simply waited for her to continue._

_“Eventually, we bit off a bit more than we could chew. We decided to explore this one cave… it was full of bandits. Really dangerous types. They surrounded Erik, but I saw a chance to slip away and escape. So, I… did it. I fled. I left him alone in there.” Her voice shook. “If I had stayed… maybe we could’ve fought them off. Maybe Erik would’ve still been alive. But alone, he… he had no chance.”_

_“If you had stayed, you’d probably be dead as well.”_

_“But at least I wouldn’t have betrayed him! He wouldn’t have had to die alone in there!” She looked up at Lucien. “I was a coward. I am a coward. It’s been more than a year and I haven’t been to Rorikstead since. I haven’t even told Mralki that his son is dead. What kind of a person does that make me?” She looked away again. “I shouldn’t have left him in there alone… I should have stayed… I should have saved him, should have at least tried…” Her voice shook more and more with each word._

_Lucien looked at her, unsure of what to say or do. In the end, he simply sat down next to her and pulled her into a hug. At that moment, Ronja burst into tears._

***

“Come on, come on, work,” Lucien muttered, panic increasing every second. The spell was casting properly, the golden light emanated from his palms, but Ronja’s condition didn’t seem to be improving at all. On the contrary, she looked even worse and her breathing was getting shallower every second. And he could feel his magicka draining. Soon, he wouldn’t simply be able to continue casting. He cursed himself for not occupying himself more with restoration magic. If he only knew a better spell, if he was a better mage, if he was able to keep casting longer…

The light stopped. His magicka reserves were completely depleted.

He briefly looked at Ronja’s face. She was watching him with a sad smile.

“I’m sorry,” he said helplessly. “I’m so sorry, Ronja.” His vision blurred and he felt tears running down his cheeks. “This is all my fault, I’m terribly sorry…”

“Not… your fault…” she managed to whisper.

“It is my fault. If I hadn’t insisted we go…”

She took his hand in her own and squeezed it. “I… agreed to go. And… Lucien… it’s been an honor… to know you. I saved you… you can go on… explore the whole Skyrim…”

He closed his eyes, unable to stop the tears. Several seconds have passed and then he felt Ronja’s hand slip away. He reopened his eyes to find himself looking into Ronja’s lifeless ones.

***

_“This seems like a really, really stupid idea,” Ronja said, stepping to the control panel. “If the door does close behind us, then you’d better pray there’s another way out.”_

_“Oh, I’m sure it’s going to be okay,” Lucien replied, looking at the button he was going to push in any second. “This is all so fascinating, isn’t it?”_

_Ronja rolled her eyes. “Everything about this screams ‘bad idea, don’t go there’. Why did I agree to do this again?”_

_“Because you love me, of course.”_

_She snorted. “You wish.”_

_“Because you love adventuring and exploring, then?”_

_“That’s more like it.”_

_He smiled at her. “Ready?”_

_“You’re going to be the death of me,” she muttered before taking her position at the other end of the room. “All right, ready.”_

_They both pressed the buttons simultaneously. The big door opened._

_Dumzbthar was waiting._

***

Lucien dragged Ronja’s body out of Dumzbthar, ignoring how his own muscles ached. He still wasn’t able to fully remember what exactly happened in the moments before he hit his head, but he thought he vaguely recalled being surrounded by those horrible creatures there – and then Ronja stepping in, shoving him out of the way…

He needed to at least get her a decent burial. He owed her that much.

He looked behind himself, regarding the ruin he just stepped out of in disgust. He should’ve turned away. He knew it wasn’t safe. What had he been thinking? _Oh, let’s just step behind those terrifying doors, I’m sure it will be fine._

He wasn’t sure he wanted to ever return back there. While that place was fascinating, a discovery waiting to happen, it wasn’t worth losing his best friend over in such horrible way. And he didn’t want to visit the place where Ronja died ever again. Certainly not anytime soon.

He turned his back on Dumzbthar and began his journey towards Raven Rock.

***

He stared at the tombstone with Ronja’s name on it, feeling a lump in his throat. It’s been two days since the burial. The Northern Maiden would be leaving for Skyrim in an hour. Lucien planned to spend the remaining hour here.

“I’m so sorry, Ronja,” he choked out. “You didn’t deserve this.” He stayed silent for a few seconds, then silently added: “I owe you my life and I can’t thank you enough for that. He felt a little weird, saying all those things. After all, she could no longer hear him. And yet, he felt… lighter, somehow. He finally said those things out loud. He paused for a moment, then continued: “I hope you’re at peace now, wherever you are.” He stayed silent. Then, a thought occurred to him. “And about that thing you wanted to do… don’t worry, I’ll take care of that.”

***

_‘I’m going to do it,” Ronja announced out of a sudden._

_“Hm?” Lucien looked up from his book. They’ve settled in their cabin on the Northern Maiden a few hours ago and Ronja seemed a little restless._

_“I’ve decided that I’ll stop running from what happened. I’ll stop acting like a damned milk drinker. After we return from Solstheim, I’m going to tell Mralki what happened to Erik.” She looked at Lucien fiercely. “I need to do it. He’s going to hate me, but he needs to know.”_

_“Oh,” Lucien replied, a little surprised. “That’s very brave of you, Ronja.”_

_She shook her head. “No. I’ve just decided to stop being a coward, that’s all.”_

***

Lucien’s never been to Rorikstead before. So this small settlement was where Ronja grew up. He couldn’t help but regret that he never visited the place while she was alive, although he understood why she didn't want to go back.

The inn wasn’t hard to find. He opened the door and headed for the dark haired, sad looking Nord behind the counter. His heart was beating fast and he fought the urge to turn around and go back. How was he even supposed to do this?

But he didn’t turn around. He owed this to Ronja.

“Excuse me, sir. I, um, I have some news about your son.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction (and my first post at this site). I'm not a native speaker and this is unbeta-ed. If you spot any mistakes, please let me know.
> 
> The title comes from the song Ghost in The Rain by Beast in Black, from the line "I wish I could undo my grave mistake". (Because I'm incapable of coming up with good titles and that song was playing as I was trying to think of one.)


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